Hangover in church

A young man was sobering up from the night before and sitting through the Sunday sermon, hefound it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and he is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course the young man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" Then weary catching only the last part he groggily stands up, only to find that he is the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"


You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

2 litres

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. 'Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"



You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Happy Feet

A man drives into a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver what he's up to with the two penguins on his back seat. The driver had asked himself that same question but he wouldn't know what to do. Clerk: "You should take them to the zoo". The man thinks this is a good idea and drives away.

The next day he arrives at that same gas station. Clerk: "I thought you would take them to the zoo!". Driver: "Yes, we had a swell day yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach".


You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Top 10

Top Ten List Of People Who's Names I Can Never remember:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

Can't remember these ones too over here

Bear in the woods

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Faux Par

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”

“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”.

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Faux Par

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”

“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”.

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!