Seriously Unfunny

Hangover in church

2009-09-22T13:31:00.000+03:00

A young man was sobering up from the night before and sitting through the Sunday sermon, hefound it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The pastor has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and he is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course the young man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" Then weary catching only the last part he groggily stands up, only to find that he is the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

2 litres

2009-09-22T13:28:00.002+03:00

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.
Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. 'Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Happy Feet

2009-08-18T13:35:00.003+03:00

A man drives into a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver what he's up to with the two penguins on his back seat. The driver had asked himself that same question but he wouldn't know what to do. Clerk: "You should take them to the zoo". The man thinks this is a good idea and drives away.

The next day he arrives at that same gas station. Clerk: "I thought you would take them to the zoo!". Driver: "Yes, we had a swell day yesterday. Today I'm taking them to the beach".

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Top 10

2009-06-11T12:58:00.000+03:00

Top Ten List Of People Who's Names I Can Never remember:

10.

Can't remember these ones too over here

Bear in the woods

2009-06-11T12:49:00.000+03:00

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing?

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Faux Par

2009-05-23T11:09:00.001+03:00

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?”

“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher”.

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Faux Par

2009-05-23T11:09:00.000+03:00

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

What is that between her legs?

2009-05-21T15:38:00.000+03:00

Two Mexican guys are in a bullfighting stadium, when they notice an attractive young lady wearing a short dress and her legs spread wide open.
The first said to his companion, "Eh, Juan, check out the chiquita over there, she got mucho hairy pussy."
"That's not pubic hair, you idiot, she's wearing sexy black panties!" replied the second.
They argue about this for about ten minutes before they decide to send a young boy to sneakily take a look and settle the argument for them. All of a sudden they hear him cry, "Caramba!" and he comes running back to the two men.
They ask, "So what was it, hair or panties?"
"Neither," replies the boy. "It's flies!"

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

When in France...

2009-05-21T15:19:00.000+03:00

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

The Library

2009-05-21T15:14:00.000+03:00

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Saved the worst for last

2009-05-21T15:03:00.000+03:00

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Where are all the Canadians?

2009-05-21T14:59:00.001+03:00

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says,

"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me

Housing, Money for food, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !"
The person says, "I not Canadian, I am Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
stops,
Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Canada!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I
am not Canadian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

Can't Spell Death?

2009-05-21T14:54:00.000+03:00

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

What would you do

2008-07-30T08:32:00.002+03:00

A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed
her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist
and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive Shouting, swearing, crying,
the mother says,
"Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father
and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your
daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will
bequeath her 2 retailtores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a
$2,000,000 bank account."

He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive
a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage,
what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained
silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck
her again..."

What I would have done? See here

Please tell me..

2008-07-03T17:24:00.002+03:00

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
What's the speed of dark?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Can a storm be officially designated as a tornado without touching down at a trailer park?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Can I yell MOVIE in a crowded firehouse?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What year did Jesus think it was?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Is there another word for synonym?
If the only thing to survive a plane crash is the black box, why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, who's the idiot that said: Quit while you're ahead?
What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
If knees were backward, what would chairs look like?
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green?

Why do doctors call what they do practice?
How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there?
Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

Life Imprisonment

2008-06-25T16:26:00.003+03:00

The bride tells her husband,' Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?'

With a SMILE on his face sweetly touching her in places, he says 'OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is PPP- Put the Prisoner in Prison . And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work. '

The tow proceed to make heated passionate love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles,

'Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.'

Turning on his side, he smiles. 'Then we will have to re-imprison him. 'After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile,
'Honey, the prisoner is out again!' The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, 'Honey, the prisoner escaped again.'

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, 'Hey, it's not a life sentence, OKAY!!!

Follow me here to see more couples with worse problems.

Pack your bags honey

2008-06-23T13:42:00.003+03:00

A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get the hell out!"

Where women go when they are kicked out!

Almost In

2008-06-20T15:58:00.003+03:00

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest,

"I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

How many hail Mary's should he have said? See here.

Royal Heartburns

2008-06-17T17:45:00.003+03:00

Sophie and the Queen were talking shortly before the wedding when the Queen said " Now Sophie, I think it's about time you and I talked about any problems you and Edward may have consummating the marriage"

"Oh," said Sophie, "Everything's all right really, except ......"
"Except what?" said the Queen, "don't be embarrassed, I've heard it all before".
"Well, when I suck his dick and swallow, it tastes awful and gives me really bad heartburn."
"Have you tried Andrews?" asked the Queen

"Yes, but his tasted the same"

The Royal family uses Andrew Liver salt for other purposes!

Wangs and Pepper...

2008-06-17T16:47:00.004+03:00

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Other conditions that you can take pepper for are Here!

2008-06-13T10:03:00.002+03:00

Pat and Mick were working together on the 25th floor when Mick fell to his death. The foreman asked Pat to break the news to his wife

'But do it gently' said the foreman.

That afternoon, Pat knocked on the door and asked, ' Does the widow Gilligan live here?'

'I'm Mrs Gilligan, but I'm certainly no widow.'

'That's what you think', said Pat. 'wait till you see hat the boys are dragging up the stairs.'

You think that was seriously unfunny? This one's worse!

As you go down the tunnel..

2008-06-12T13:23:00.000+03:00

Only in the Underground

2008-06-12T11:00:00.000+03:00

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of ‘Stand clear of the doors!’ don’t you understand?”

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): “Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like Sardines, see if I care, I’m going home.”

“Ladies & Gentleman, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels.”

Driver: “I apologize for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger m*st*rb*ting on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point’s failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won’t reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won’t reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off: ‘Hi, my name’s Gary how do you do?’.”

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Please mind the closing doors…” The doors close… The doors reopen. “Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let’s try it again. Please stand clear of the doors.” The doors close… “Thank you.”

“I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don’t know when we’ll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly… usually in bits.”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen… unfortunately towels are not provided.”

“Please allow the doors to close! Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door.”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause…) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e - sideways.”

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.”

Courtesy of this guy/girl